Forgive me, Lord, For I Have Sinned
by Fandoms2135
Summary: Dan was raised at the church. Phil, to say the least, wasn't. The only problem, Dan's gay. And he loves Phil...
1. Chapter 1

Dan panted heavily as he leaned more against the wall, feeling cold fingers underneath his shirt, unbuttoning it swiftly. His hands were tangled in the other boy, Phil's, hair.

Phil undid the buttons, kissing Dan's neck as he did so. He unbuttoned the last button, his hands brushing over a silver chain, it moving slightly. Whenever he felt the movement, Dan realized who he was, and what he was pushed Phil away from him, grabbing the cross that hung on his neck, his fingers tracing over the words engraved on it, 'John 19;30'. He knew the Bible verse, as he did most verses, by heart. This one was simple, "It is finished."

Phil saw the panic in the younger boy's eyes as he reached out to put a hand on his face, only to be rejected.

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." Dan recited John 1:9 as he dropped to his knees, hands folding together, "Lord forgive me, for I have sinned," He muttered as he put his hand to his forehead, tears starting to roll down his pale face, "Father, I know that I have broken your laws and my sins have separated me from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from my past sinful life toward you." Dan prayed, pleaded, his face shining.

Phil watched as Dan plead for forgiveness. He chewed the inside of his lip, Dan wasn't his usual prey. Phil wore leather, was covered in tattoos, didn't care about much, but he had been drawn to the soft, angelic features of Daniel Howell. He really did have feelings for the young boy, some thing that he never thought would ever happen. Phil could feel it. He loved Dan. That's probably why he dropped to his knees next to to him, folded his hands, and closed his eyes, copying Dan.

"Please forgive me, and help me avoid sinning again," Dan continued, unaware of the boy next to him, "I believe that your son, Jesus Christ, died for my sins, was resurrected from the dead, is alive, and hears my prayer. I invite Jesus to become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spirit to help me obey You, and to do Your will for the rest of my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen."

Now, let's review.

Dan Howell was as pure as they come. Between the angel smile, and the cross around his neck, it was pretty obvious he was a devoted member of the local church. His father was a preacher, his mother devoted her life to teaching people about the Bible, it was pretty clear who Dan and his little brother were suppose to be, and they tried hard to be exactly who they were suppose to be.  
But there was the fact that Dan was very, very gay. He denied it, he planned on ignoring it, and marrying a girl that his parents deemed fitting. That had all went out the window whenever he saw Phil. Yeah, he knew who Phil was, everybody knew who Phil was. He just didn't think that he would fall completely in love with him. For a while, he ignored it, went on with his life like normal. Church on Sunday morning, church on Sunday night, Youth pastor meeting on Monday, choir practice on Tuesday (Dan played piano for their church choir), church on Wednesday, choir practice on Thursday, church dinner on Friday, Youth night on Friday, and choir practice again on Saturday. Every week that's how it went. His entire life was school and church. Then, Phil finally noticed him.

"Hey baby boy," Phil had smirked as he leaned against the locker next to Dan's.

Dan could feel the blood rush to his face, as he hid behind his locker door, silently praying, "Hello." He responded in a quiet tone, a small smile peaking on his mouth.

"Why so timid, pretty boy?" Phil asked, stroking a hand against Dan's cheek.

"Not timid, just confused." Dan muttered, getting his books out of his locker.

"What's there to be confused about, love?" Phil asked, leaning down, his face inches away from Dan's.

"Quite a bit," Dan responded, trying to hide the blush on his face.

"But what about this situation is confusing?" Phil asked, the devilish smirk spreading on his face again.

Dan shook his head, closing his locker door, "Nothing." Luckily it was the end of the day, but he had a Youth Pastors, and he couldn't be late to that.

"Aw, baby boy, you don't have to lie," Phil smirked, grabbing Dan's arm, "Tell me what you're confused about."

"Nothing, and I've got to go pastor a church, so if you don't mind," Dan tried to escape, secretly not wanting to go.

"Ah, that's right," Phil held onto Dan tighter, "You're the pastor's son. That clears everything up."

"What? May I ask, what does that clear up?" Dan asked, giving up on leaving.

"Why you haven't came onto me, I'm not stupid," He walked out of the doors, taking Dan with him.

Dan could feel his heart speed up, and his face flush as Phil spoke, "I-I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean."

"Oh, pretty boy, I'm not stupid. You may try and repress it, but it's pretty obvious you're gay, honey," Phil spoke lowly.

Dan could've passed out at Phil's words, "N-no, I think there's been some kind of mistake. You see, after I graduate, I'm going to become a pastor, take over the church, marry some woman, have a couple of kids," He shrugged, "The usual."

"Oh stop," Phil rolled his eyes, "That's not what you want."

"How would you know what I want?" Dan asked, "Now excuse me, I need to go."

Phil pulled Dan to him, kissing him lightly before letting his arm go, "See ya later, baby boy." With that, Phil turned and left.

Dan stood there dumbstruck. He brought his finger to his lip, had that really just happened? Had Phil Lester just kissed him. He stood in front of the school for a considerable amount of time. Eventually, he left and went to the church.

"Sorry," Dan muttered as he sat next to his father, "Got held up after school.." He lied as he pulled out his Bible, sticky notes and paper sticking out from almost every page.

His father, along with everybody else, just shrugged as they went on with their meeting.

After everything was done, Dan went up to the mantle in the sanctuary.

"Go on, I'll be home soon." He told his dad as he ran his hands over the wood.

"Don't take too long." Was all his father said before he was gone.

Whenever he was alone, Dan got on his knees and prayed. He prayed harder than he ever had. He was confused, he needed the Lord to advise him.

"Lord, please help me follow your path," He prayed to himself, "Lord, I need you to help me keep peace in my life. Lord, I-I" He started to break down, tears coming down his face, "Please Lord, please help me through this. Lord, I need you, but I think I need him." The prayer went on like that until Dan stood, and wiped his face.

Fast forward, and Dan and Phil began to see each other everyday after school. Each day it became longer and longer. The kisses became longer, sweeter, less guilt feeling. Dan prayed about it every night.

Dan would go home with Phil on days he had to be at the church at five or six, and more or less they made out. They didn't just make out, they talked, got to know each other, fell in love little by little.

Everything was great until that day.

"Amen." Dan had finished the prayer to see Phil beside him, "I'm so sorry." He whispered, pulling his knees to his chest. They had planned on going all the way that night. It was a rare Friday when the youth population of the church didn't meet, and he had planned on staying with Phil.

Phil pulled Dan into his chest, kissing his brown mop of hair, "Don't apologize, love. It's how you were raised, it's one thing I love about you."

Dan cried into Phil's chest, his hand clasped around the cross the entire time.

 ** _Not trying to say anything against religions, I myself am a Christian._**


	2. Chapter 2

"I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength." That was the verse Dan had texted his father the next morning. After much consideration, he had decided he wanted to give his first sermon the next day. His father had asked him multiple times if he was sure, and finally Dan had sent him Phillippians 4:13 in response.

This was probably the riskiest sermon anybody had ever gave at the church, but to Dan, it would be worth it. He was sprawled across Phil's bed, his different notes, his Bible, and every religious pamphlet he had ever encountered thrown everywhere as he prepared for the next day.

Phil laughed lowly, and shook his head as he entered his room. "You look busy there, pretty boy."

"Sorry," Dan muttered not looking up from the verse he was highlighting.

"No, don't apologize," The older boy smiled, "What're you doing?"

"Telling my parents, and the church, that I'm gay," Dan whispered.

Phil kissed the top of his head, "You don't have to, love."

Dan flopped over, onto his back, and smiled at Phil, "Yes, I do. I love you, and God forgives. If God can forgive me for this, then my parents should be able to too."

"Um, Dan, honey, have you ever thought what if there is no God*." Phil asked timidly.

Dan reached up and slapped Phil, and he didn't do it gently, "We don't talk like that," he said harshly.

"I'm just trying to reason with you." Phil muttered, bringing his hand to his face.

"You know what I believe, I don't expect you to change what you believe, but I do expect you to respect my beliefs," Dan replied, not letting his tone soften, "Also, will you come to church with my tomorrow?" He begged.

"I don't know.." Phil trailed off, biting his lip.

"Please," Dan pleaded, grabbing Phil's hand, "I'm doing this for you, for us."

Phil sighed, "Fine."

Dan smiled as he made room on the bed for the other, "Thank you," He whispered, "Now come here and love me."

*Once again, not trying to bash anybody or anybody's belief. That sentence actually pained me to write.

The next day, Dan got woke up earlier than normal to get everything ready. He went over his sermon over and over in his head as he dressed. He met Phil at his house, giving him a shaky smile.

"Don't worry, baby boy," Phil muttered to Dan, taking his hand, "Everything will be alright."

The rest of the way to the church was quite. Whenever the church bell rang, Dan stood with his father, going to the front.

"Today," Pastor Howell had started, "My eldest son, Daniel, will be giving the first sermon of his life. Most of you know him, he plays piano for our beloved choir, and today he'd like to lead us all in praising the Lord. Dan." His father gave him a smile as he handed the rest of the service over to him.

Dan grinned at the crowd as he thanked his father, his vision focusing in on Phil.

"God is good," He started, as they always did. The crowd then replied, "All the time"

"All the time," Dan then said, waiting for the usual 'God is good.'

Dan then went on to do a prayer, introducing the choir, joys and prayer concerns, testimonies, another prayer, and then finally offerings. His heart rate increased as it was time for his sermon.

"Our God is good," Dan started, earning a few 'amens' from the crowd, "Our God is so good that he sent his only son to die for our sins."

Phil half listened, half just stared at his boyfriend as he talked. Church, religion had never been his thing, but Dan made it 10000000000000000X more enjoyable.

"God forgives, does he not?" He earned a few mumbled 'he does' from the crowd, "He forgives minor sins, but he also forgives major sins: Divorce, adultery, pre-marital sex. He forgives all of these, loves us just the same, so my question for you today is, if all of these can be forgiven, why can homosexuality not be?" This earned quite a few gasps from the audience, but caught Phil's attention, "Who is to say that if a gay man, or woman, is a devoted member of God's army that they should burn. That they should die. We, as Christians, are here to spread the message of God, no matter race, sex, age, so why shouldn't sexuality be added to that list? If you devote your life to God, you live by the Bible, I believe you should be treated just as equally as anybody by God, and you are. I truly believe that. God loves all of his children. Many Christians have taken to hating gays because it's not biblical, now I'm not here to tell you what to believe, but one of our Ten Commandments is 'love thy neighbor'. You don't have to believe that homosexuality is right, but you do have to accept that many devoted church goers aren't necessarily straight." Dan could feel his father's glare as he focused once more on Phil, "My father is the pastor of our lovely church, my mother teaches the Bible to people who don't know it, I have been a devoted member since birth. I know the gospel, know the Bible like I know the back of my hand. I play the piano for our choir, attend every church event there is, I'm a youth pastor, I plan on becoming a pastor after high school. I have devoted my life to our Lord and savior, so should I suffer just because," He swallowed deeply, his stomach typing in knots, "Just because I'm gay?" The entire church was then silent.

Dan willed himself not to cry as he finished, "Daniel James Howell, the preachers son who has happily devoted his life to spreading God's word, is in love with another male. I don't believe that God hates me. He still loves me as much as he did whenever I was born. Please, think about this, if you call yourself a devoted Christian, yet you judge me for being me, who are you really?" Dan finished with that questions, shutting his Bible.

"Daniel," His father said sternly, walking up to the podium, "I will finish this, I want you and your stuff out of my house before I walk into my house."

"Dad," Dan whispered, tears starting to fall, "Y-you can't just ki-"

"Daniel James, I want you out of my house, do I make myself clear?"

The church was quiet, the interaction surprising them more than Dan's confession.

Dan didn't reply. Instead he just grabbed his Bible, took Phil's hand, and left.

Phil let go of Dan's hand halfway down the stairs, going back to the sanctuary, "You make me sick," He glared at the preacher, "That's your son. I've never met a kinder, more angelic person, and you're just going to let him go? You so called Christians are suppose to love everybody, not just pick and choose. You're a hypocrite. You're all hypocrites. So, I hope that you know that I'm still going to be happy with your son, because I love your son. I hope your happy with what you've accomplished here. Showing children that they have to be a certain way in order for their parents to love them. That they can't be themselves. Congratulations, for the rest of your life, you're going to have to deal with the fact that you disowned your son, because of who he loves. God, I hope that you're happy with yourself." With that, Phil glared at the crowd once more before he met Dan by the doors, pulling him into a hug.

Dan's tears stained Phil's shirt as he clung to the older boy.

Phil tried cooing the younger boy as he kissed the brown curls, "Shh, I love you," He whispered.

Dan continued to cry, "I-I-" He tried and return the words, but he couldn't manage words.

"Shh," Phil muttered, "I'm so sorry."


	3. Chapter 3

"God will meet all your needs," Dan muttered to himself, trying to wipe his face dry, as he entered his house.

Phil followed shortly behind him, shutting the door quietly behind him.

Dan hurried up to his bedroom, his eyes tracing the Bible verses that lined the grey walls of the stairway.

Phil stood in the living room, watching Dan as he trailed up the stairs. Once Dan was out of site, he took his phone out of his pocket, calling his mom, "Mum," He exclaimed quietly whenever she picked up, "I need a huge favor."

"Phil, honey, slow down," His mother replied, "Now what do you need?"

"I went to church with Dan, because he decided he was going to tell his entire church in a sermon, and his parents may threw him out, Mum," Phil was whispering into the phone, trying not to let Dan hear him, "I told him he could stay with us..."

Phil could hear his mother's sigh as she responded, "Dan, out of all of the people in the world, doesn't deserve this. Of course he can."

"Thanks, M-" Phil started to thank his mother, but was cut off.

"But if there's anything going on in my house," The woman on the other line started to say.

"Nothing will happen," Phil assured her, starting to head towards the stairs, "We'll be home soon, thank you." He muttered, hanging up the phone, and heading up to find Dan.

"As I have loved you, love one another," Phil read the words out loud that were painted onto the hallway walls, laughing to himself. That was kind of ironic in this situation.

"John 13:34," Dan muttered, appearing out of his room with a couple of bags.

"Which one is that?" Phil asked, gesturing to the verses that littered the house.

"As I have loved you, love one another," Dan told him, "John 13:34."

"Is there a Bible verse that you don't know?" Phil questioned, grabbing his waist to pull him closer, seeing that he still had tears running down his face.

"I'm sure there is, somewhere out there," Dan replied, burying his face into Phil's neck, fresh tears streaming down his pale face.

"Shh, shh," Phil whispered, kissing the top of Dan's hair, "C'mon, let's go, it'll make you feel better." He took the bags out of his boyfriend's hand, taking his other hand.

Dan nodded, easily enough giving up the bags, relaxing some whenever Phil took his hand.

Phil threw the bags in the back of his car before opening the passenger's door for Dan.

Dan gave him the only smile he could manage, and it wasn't really a smile.

Phil kissed his hand before going to the drivers side.

Dan wrapped his arms around himself, staring out of the window like he was in some dramatic music video. But this wasn't some music video. This was real life, real tears that were coming out of Dan's eyes. He hated it. He had never hated anything the way he hated how he felt. He felt numb. The only emotion he could muster was sadness. Dan knew he should be angry, angry at his parents, angry at God, angry at himself, but he wasn't. He was upset. He kept telling himself that it was part of God's plan for him, and he truly believe that it was, but he couldn't help but feel that God hated him or something.

The car ride to Phil's house was pretty well silent, other than the occasional sobs coming from Dan.

Once at Phil's house, Dan stared blankly at the house.

"C'mon," Phil muttered, kissing Dan's cheek, "You'll feel better when we're inside."

Dan shook his head, his sobs starting to pick up again.

"Shhhh, c'mon," Phil took Dan's hand, kissing it.

Dan finally gave up, opening the car door.

Phil smiled to himself, following Dan out of his car.

Dan stood in front of the front door, melting into Phil as the tears became heavier.

Phil hugged Dan tightly, opening the door from behind him.

Dan clung to Phil, feeling the door open behind him.

Phil let go of Dan, taking his hand.

Dan let Phil lead him to his couch before falling apart again.

Phil held Dan again, rubbing his thumb against Dan's neck, trying to calm him down.

Phil's mother walked into the room from the kitchen, giving Phil a sad smile, before walking out.

Dan folded up against himself, bringing his knees to his chest, burying his face further into Phil's neck.

Phil just kept Dan in his arms, holding him as tight as he could.

They fell asleep on the couch.

Dan wrapped around himself, Phil wrapped around Dan, Dan's face stained with tears.

Phil's mother almost felt bad when she woke Phil the next morning. He looked so peaceful, so happy with Dan in his arms, but it was Monday. Monday meant school.

"Phil, school," She muttered as she shook him awake.

Phil groaned before nodding, "Fine," He muttered, before kissing the top of Dan's curls, "Wake up, love," He whispered, watching Dan's brown eyes flutter slightly, "C'mon, we have to go to school."

Dan groaned, finally opening his eyes completely.

Phil kissed Dan's forehead, looking into his doe eyes, "Trust me, love, if we didn't have to go, we'd just lay here all day."

Dan smiled a little, his face still rosey from the previous day.

"God, I love you." Phil muttered, kissing the younger boy.

Dan shook his head, grabbing at the cross that hung around his neck.

Phil took his hand, taking it away from the cross, "It's just going to make you feel worse," Phil whispered to him.

Dan rolled his eyes, pushing Phil off of the couch, "Go get ready for school," He muttered, running a hand through his curly mess of hair.

"You can come with me," Phil muttered, pulling Dan on top of him.

"Okay, okay," Dan shook his head, "Fine. Just get up."

Phil stood, pulling Dan up with him, kissing him as he did so.

Dan gave Phil the best smile he could muster as he leaned against him.

"We don't have to go.." Phil muttered to the smaller boy, running his hands through the bottom of his curls.

"Yes we do," Dan replied, his sounds muffled by Phil's shirt, "it's the law."

"It wouldn't be the first illegal thing I've ever done," Phil shrugged.

Dan rolled his eyes, "Well maybe you should stop doing illegal things. C'mon we actually need to get ready."

Phil groaned, but let go of Dan, kissing his cheek, "Fine." He said, squeezing Dan's hand before going to shower.

Dan took that time to rummage through his stuff to find something he could actually wear, finally deciding. He changed in Phil's room, not bothering to straighten his hair. He chose to ignore it, but he knew his face was still red from crying. He shook his head, grabbing the cross on his neck. While waiting on his boyfriend, Dan grabbed his Bible and started to read through it. Flipping to random pages, looking at the different verses he had highlighted.

"You ready?" Phil asked him as he entered the room, grabbing his school books from his desk.

Dan nodded as he put down the Bible, "As ready as I'll ever be." He whispered.

Phil gave him a sad smile, grabbing his hand, "Then let's go."

Dan nodded as he walked out of the door, Phil's hand in his.

"Got a verse for today?" Phil teased him as he got into his car, throwing his stuff in the backseat.

"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me," Dan quoted Psalm 23:4, not missing a beat when asked.

"Of course you do," Phil muttered, starting the car.

The car ride was then filled with Phil testing if Dan had a Bible verse for every situation, spoiler, he did.

Dan hesitated as they pulled into the school parking lot.

"We don't have to.." Phil muttered, taking Dan's hand again.

"Yes we do," Dan replied, opening the car door, "Just stay with me?"

"For as long as I can, love," Phil promised, "I love you."

Dan gave him a soft smile, dropping Phil's hand as he got out of the car, "I love you too." He whispered.

They walked into the school hand in hand. Their peers seemed to stop their activities whenever they entered. Dan put his head down, trying to shrink. The whispering started, and Phil pulled him closer.

"We can leave whenever you want," Phil told him, kissing his hand.

Dan nodded, focusing on the ground and Phil's voice.

Phil walked Dan to his locker, glaring up and down the hallway at anybody who looked at them weird. The day was already bad, but it only got worse whenever they reached his locker.

Sticky notes covered the locker, each one worse than the one before.

"Burn in hell." One read.

"You deserve to die." Another said.

"God doesn't love gays." Was the note that sent Dan almost over the edge. He squeezed Phil's hand harder, trying to ignore the words. Nobody would do anything to Phil's locker, they knew that he wouldn't hesitate to murder them. But Dan was the preacher's son for crying out loud, he wouldn't do anything other bite his lip and pray.

Phil wrapped his arms around Dan, reading each note. But whoever wrote everything would regret it.

"Who the fuck did this?" Phil asked the room, his voice louder than usual.

Dan swallowed, knowing this wouldn't end well, "Phil no," He whispered, but Phil didn't listen.


	4. Short note

Hey, guys.

I'm super sorry, I have major writers block, but I promise I'll update as soon as I can manage to write something. If you haven't read my other Phan stories, I would personally recommend them. I may be biased, but I like them a lot.

I also have a Harry Potter fan fiction up, and again I think it's great. It's about Draco and Gabrielle Delacour, which might seem strange, but I think it's adorable. It would mean a lot if you would check everything out.

Once again, I'm sorry. I hope to have something up tomorrow or Saturday.

Thanks for understanding.


	5. Chapter 5

Dan stayed pressed against the lockers as Phi continued to yell at the crowd that was forming.

"Phil," He muttered, trying to grab the other's hand, "It's okay. It doesn't matter."

Phil continued to ignore Dan, yelling even louder. Nobody, not even teachers tried to stop him, everybody knew it would not end well for them.

"Phil," Dan whispered, once he finally had a grip on the older's hand, "Let's just go,"

At those words, Phil stopped shouting, and held onto Dan's hand tightly.

"Please, just I don't want to be here," Dan muttered, clinging to Phil's side.

"We don't have to be, c'mon" Phil whispered back, guiding the other out of the school.

Dan let Phil lead him, his weight mostly on the other, his legs basically buckling under him once they were outside of the school.

The lot was practically empty, as school was about to start.

Phil kissed Dan's mop of brown curls as he pulled him to his chest, holding him close.

Dan couldn't help but sob into the other's shirt, wrapping his arms around Phil.

Phil didn't try and comfort Dan, he knew there was no point until they were at least back in Phil's car.

Dan continued to sob, breathing getting harder to do.

At this point, Phil could almost physically feel his heart breaking, "We have to get out of here," He whispered to Dan, "C'mon, please, it's just a little walk. Then we can go home, or anywhere you want."

Dan nodded, his vision blurred from tears. He clung to Phil, even tighter than before, as they made their way to Phil's car.

Phil helped Dan into the car, then made his way to the driver's side, climbing into the car himself, "Where to, love?" He asked, taking Dan's hand in his own.

Dan bit his lip before making up his mind, "Th-" He stuttered, a sob once again escaping his throat, "The church," He whispered.

Phil's heart dropped, "Are you sure?"

"I'm postitive, Phil," Dan sobbed, "Please just drive,"

Phil really didn't want to, but he did. They rode in silence, except for the sobs escaping Dan's mouth. As he pulled into the church parking lot, Phil sucked in a breath.

"Thank you," Dan whispered, leaning over to kiss Phil, his lips salty from the tears.

Phil put his hand on the back of Dan's neck, pulling him closer, the salt taste very apparent. "I love you," Phil whispered against Dan's salty lips.

Dan tried, but failed, to muster a smile as he pecked Phil's lips again, "I love you, too," He muttered.

Phil let go of Dan's neck, instead taking his hand.

"You coming?" Dan asked quietly, his eyes diverting to the ground.

"If you want me to, love." Phil responded.

Dan nodded as he climbed out of the car, his stomach tying into knots as Phil laced their finger's together. There would only be one person there. His father. Dan figured if Phil was with him, nobody could say anything else to him. Tears were still falling down his pale face as Dan led Phil up to the sanctuary. The same sanctuary where only a day before his father had disowned him.

Phil followed behind Dan, trying not to make noise. He figured if 'Pastor Howell' heard noise, he would come and see what the ruckus was about. That was the last thing either of them wanted.

Dan fell to his knees at the alter, folding his hands as his eyes fell shut, "Lord," He muttered, "Lord please be here."

Phil copied Dan, folding his hands and closing his eyes.

"Lord I need guidance, Lord please," Dan pleaded, "Father, I know that I've sinned. I have sinned more times than I can count, but Lord I still need you to help me through this. I need you to, to" He stumbled over his words, "Lord p-" He was cut off.

"I thought you had school," Dan's father said, his tone snarky.

Dan wanted to throw up. He opened his eyes, looking sideways at Phil, who was obviously annoyed.

"And I thought as a pastor, your job was to preach the message of this so called 'God', not to judge your son for somebody he loves," Phil shot back, reaching for Dan's hand.

Dan smacked Phil slightly, but gladly took his hand.

"If you could excuse us, I'm trying to speak to my son," The pastor responded, crossing his arms.

"And I'm speaking for my boyfriend, if you don't mind," Phil responded, matching the man's snarky tone.

"Boyfriend, huh?" Dan's father repeated the words, rolling his eyes, "Daniel, you've been raised better."

Dan's gaze stayed on the ground as his eyes were glazed over by tears.

Phil just took Dan's hand, and walked out of the sanctuary, "Fuck you." He said to the pastor before storming out of the building.

For the second time that day, Dan was left crying in Phil's car.

Phil kissed the top of Dan's head, rubbing the back of his neck the way he did whenever he was trying to calm the other down.

Dan sobbed for another ten minutes straight before attempting to speak, "Phil?" He whispered.

"Yeah?" Phil asked, kissing the other's head.

"Let's go home," Dan muttered.

Phil nodded, "Of course, love," He whispered before starting the car.

"Thank you," Dan mumbled, staring out of the window.

Phil just hummed in return.

Once back at Phil's house, they cuddled on the couch.

Dan held onto Phil, his face buried into the other's shoulder.

Phil held onto Dan, tracing shapes on his back.

Dan fell asleep in Phil's arms shortly after they returned back to the house.

Phil just continued to trace the different shapes on Dan's back, humming to him quietly the entire time.

Dan, Phil noted, looked almost like an angel whenever he was asleep. Even more like an angel than he usually did.


	6. Chapter 6

Dan woke up right before noon. He looked up at the other boy, whom he was clinging onto, "Hey," He muttered.

Phil smiled, kissing the other boy's forehead, "Hey," He responded.

Dan, once again, buried his face in the other's neck.

Phil just continued to hold the brown haired boy, putting his chin on the other's head, "I love you, Daniel Howell," He whispered.

Dan smiled, but kept quiet, reaching for the cross on his neck.

Phil finally let go of Dan, rolling off of the couch, "Let's do something," He decided.

Dan laid on his stomach, looking down at Phil, "Like what?" He asked, reaching down for Phil's hand.

Phil took Dan's hand, sighing, "I don't know," He mumbled, "Let's go out."

Dan bit his lip, "Maybe," He said back, "Where to?"

Phil shrugged, "You decided," He told the younger boy.

Dan nodded, "I-I don't know," He muttered.

The other boy shrugged once again, "Okay. Then come on, I'll drive around, then you can decided."

Dan stood, "I'll drive," He told the elder, "You always drive, I can do it for once."

Phil hesitated, but finally he agreed, "Okay, fine. Just don't kill me or anything."

Dan couldn't help but laugh, "I'm a better driver than you are," He argued, "Then after whatever we do, I want to go back and get my car. Because I plan on still going to church and church activities, and I'm sure you don't want to."

Phil rolled his eyes, "Won't somebody be at your house to like murder you or something?"

Dan scoffed, "No. Dad's at the church, Mum's at work-"

"And your brother's at school," Phil finished for him quietly, "Fine," He agreed.

"Thank you," Dan hugged the other boy, "Thank you so much."

Phil kissed Dan softly, "I'm only doing this because I love you," He muttered.

"I know," The brown-haired boy responded with an innocent smile.

Phil couldn't help but laugh at his boyfriend's little smirk, "You're an idiot." He whispered.

"But you still love me," Dan shrugged, kissing the other, "You just said it."

Phil groaned, rolling his eyes in a joking manor, "I'm already regretting it."

"No you're not," Dan replied with a shrug, "You wouldn't let me stay with you if you regretted it."

Phil sighed over dramatically, "I guess you're always right," He pouted.

"Smile," Dan said, taking his own advice, "Because you love me."

Phil could't help but laugh at his boyfriend's ridiculousness, "I can't deny it," He shook his head, "Wish I could, but I can't."

Dan smiled wider, taking Phil's hand in his own, "Exactly, you can't. Now let's go get food," He said, twirling Phil's keys in his hand.

"God, you're going to kill somebody with those," Phil muttered under his breathe.

Dan rolled his eyes, and without missing a beat stated, "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain."

This time, Phil rolled his eyes, and to his better judgment, stayed quiet for once.

They made their way to Phil's beat up car, and soon enough were in the parking lot of a Chinese restaurant.

Phil hated to admit it, but Dan was a much better driver than him. A couple of minutes later, they were sat across from each other, shoveling food into their faces.

They didn't talk much until they got the bill. Dan, immediately, took it while taking his wallet out.

Phil, of course, had to protest, "No." He said simply.

"Excuse me?" Dan asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Daniel, I'm not letting you pay," He shrugged, going to take the bill from his boyfriend's hands.

Dan laughed, "No," He responded, "No. You're not."

Phil finally just reached out, and took the piece of paper from Dan, "Too bad," He muttered, getting up before Dan had time to complain.

Dan huffed before putting his wallet back into his pocket, knowing there was no point in arguing anymore.

Phil paid, all while smiling at Dan, and soon enough Dan was back in the driver's seat of Phil's car.

"We don't have to do this," Phil reminded him as Dan drove down the different roads.

"Phil, honey, calm down," Dan mumbled, whenever they finally ended in his old driveway, "Nobody's home." He guaranteed as he stopped the car.

Dan was wrong. A figure emerged from the house, and Dan held his breath as the door opened.

Phil came to Dan's side, already glaring at whoever was coming out of the house.

Dan breathed in relief whenever his brother came out of the house, "What're you doing here? Shouldn't you be at school?" He questioned, walking towards the younger version of him.

His brother shrugged, "Was told not to go, why are you here?" He questioned.

"Car. Taking it." Dan said simply, looking over at Phil who was still glaring, "Okay, you can stop that now," He whispered to the taller boy.

Phil did stop glaring, but that didn't stop him from crossing his arms, trying to look as intimidating as possible still.

It was working. Dan noticed that the younger Howell looked kind of scared, to say the least.

"Phil, seriously," Dan muttered, "It's fine."

"So.. you're Phil Lester," Dan's brother tried to ease the tension, but obviously failed.

Phil didn't respond, but instead just gave a roll of the eyes.

Dan hit Phil lightly, "Philip. Be nice," He commanded.

Phil rolled his eyes again, but gave a verbal response this time, "I am."

Dan's brother still smiled, not sure of how to continue the conversation.

"Look, I've got to get out of here before Mum or Dad spontaneously decides to show up, but I will be at church or something, so I'll see you soon," Dan promised his brother, taking Phil's hand before walking over to his car.

"Fear not. For it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom," His brother said to him before turning to go back into the house.

"There's two of them," Phil realized almost in horror.

"Luke 12:32," Dan whispered, giving the house one last look before climbing into his car.


	7. Chapter 7

Dan felt almost at home in his own car. It still smelled like it had the last he drove it, well it had only a couple of days, but either way. Once he got back to Phil's house, he just sat in the vehicle for a while. It was one of the only things he still had from his regular life.

Phil knocked on his window some time later. Dan sighed before rolling the window down, "Yes, Philip?" He asked, his eyes showing some of the old gleam that they used to hold.

"You okay?" Phil questioned, titling his head slightly, "You've just been sitting here for some time now."

Dan nodded, a small smile emerging onto his face, "I'm fine," He assured, "Just sitting, I guess."

Phil sighed, "Promise?" He asked.

"Swear," Dan laughed, reaching to take one of Phil's hands, "I just, I don't know, sitting here is normal. It kinda makes me feel.. normal again. Like nothing ever happened," He admitted, his voice quieting.

Phil nodded, rubbing Dan's hand with his thumb, "Come inside when you're ready," He dropped Dan's hand before going inside his house.

Dan rolled the window back up, leaning against his seat, breathing in. He closed his eyes, running his hand over the leather seat. Whenever he finally opened his eyes again, he grabbed at the cross that hung from his mirror.

'I am with you always,' Matthew 28:20 it read.

Dan took the cross from where it hung, and just held it. He closed his eyes again, this time for a different reason.

"Lord," Dan started, his voice both quivering and quiet, "I'm sorry," He wasn't really sure why he was apologizing, but he was sure there was a reason, "For everything. For giving you this much trouble, please Lord. I need you to help me. I need help. I don't know what kind, but you do. Please Lord, forgive me for all of my sins, and just help me. Lord, please. You're my last hope. Please, Lord, just help. In the name of Jesus, amen," He whispered, shaking. He put the cross back where it originally hang, and climbed out of the car.

Dan entered the house, being greeted by Phil.

"You okay?" Phil asked, for the second time, seeing Dan was shaken.

Dan tried to smile, "I'm fine, Phil. I told you."

"Okay," Phil put his hands up in defense, "Okay.."

The pair just sat on the couch in silence. Dan fiddled with his his hands. Phil bit his lip, looking over at Dan.

"You're not okay," Phil argued, "Don't lie to me."

Dan rolled his eyes, something very uncommon for him to do out of annoyance, "Phil," He said, his voice dribbling with annoyance, "I am fine. Thanks for your concern, but there's nothing to be concerned about."

"Don't use that tone with me," Phil warned, crossing his arms, "I forgot it was a crime to be concerned for somebody that you love."

Dan rolled his eyes again, adding in a groan this time, "Okay, Mum," He muttered.

"What the hell is wrong with you today?" Phil questioned, "Seriously, get over yourself. I get it, maybe you haven't had the best couple of days, but that gives you no right to be a little bitch."

Dan's heart dropped. Phil had never talked to him like that, and he didn't really like it, "Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you're the victim in all of this," He shot back, "I forgot that your parents kicked you out of your house, and your boyfriend talks to you like your five, and all but insults your religion. I'm so sorry."

"Oh my God," Phil groaned, watching Dan flinch at his choice of words, "Seriously, just stop. Stop trying to pretend like I haven't been affected by this."

Dan's aggravation level was just rising, "I never said that it hasn't affected you," He argued.

"You're not alone in this world," Phil was borderline shouting now, "I don't know why you like to think that you're the only person in this world, that bad things only happen to you, but you're not. Y'know that? Bad things happen to other people. To me, to everybody, and we've nobody to help us, so be glad you have me."

Dan decided that if Phil wanted to yell at him, he would do it right back, "Ephesians 2:19-22," He shouted, "Whenever you feel-"

"Oh my dear Lord," Phil howled, "Will you stop with the goddamn Bible? Some of us don't care."

Dan could feel his heart drop, "And that's where I draw the line," He whispered, trying to shrink into the couch. He wasn't going to talk, let alone argue, with Phil until he apologized.

Phil crossed his arms, "Oh, so now you're not going to talk? Real mature, Dan."

Dan didn't respond. He could feel tears pricking at the sides of his eyes, but he refused to let them fall.

"Oh, you're really not going to talk to me," Phil rolled his eyes, yet again, "This isn't something God can just help you with."

Dan clenched his fist, breathing in deeply. He closed his eyes, trying to drown out the sounds that were coming from Phil.

"And, Dan, if this God loves you, loves Earth so much, why aren't you at home right now? Why would your parents have kicked you out? Please, Daniel, enlighten me with this information." Phil's voice was oozing with sarcasm, and he could tell he was causing Dan major discomfort, but he just didn't care.

Dan closed his eyes tighter, clenching his fist more. He could feel tears start to run down his pale cheeks, but still he refused to speak. He grabbed for the cross that hung around his neck, almost relaxing when he felt his hand wrap around the metal.

Phil felt bad, but he didn't really care. He was almost tired of the way Dan acted, but he loved him. He got where Dan was coming from with his attitude, but he was just done with it all. "Fine," He whispered, getting up to leave the room, "Come talk to me whenever you want to act your age." With that, Phil rolled his eyes and left Dan alone.


	8. Chapter 8

Whenever Phil entered the room the next day, Dan was curled into a ball, asleep. Phil sat next to him, messing with his curls. He bent down, and he kissed the other's forehead. Dan had been crying after he left, Phil could tell, but he still couldn't bring himself to feel bad. He had finally said what everybody else had been thinking.

Whenever Dan finally awoke, he was immediately caught up in Phil's eyes, "Hi," He whispered, forgetting about the fight momentarily.

"Hey," Phil responded, his voice rough and low, as he leaned down to kiss Dan.

Dan kissed Phil, reaching up to grab the cross hung around his neck, then he remembered what had happened. He pulled away, glaring up at the older boy.

"I stand by my word," Phil said, shrugging.

Dan groaned, struggling to get out of Phil's grip. Once he had succeeded, he moved to the other end of the couch, crossing his arms.

"Daniel," Phil complained, his voice filled with annoyance, "Stop this. You're being ridiculous."

Dan scoffed, "Just apologize then," He taunted, raising an eyebrow.

Phil rolled his eyes, "I'm not apologizing," He said, his voice strong, "But, I do love you, so don't be mad."

'Love' Dan's heart still raced every time Phil mentioned the word. He blushed, putting his head down, "Fine," He whispered, "But I'm not forgetting about this."

Phil smiled, bringing in Dan to kiss him, "So.. school," He whispered, "What do you want to do, because we don't have to-"

"Phil," Dan said, putting a finger to his boyfriend's lips, "It's school, we need to go. I'll be fine, it'll be fine," He promised.

"Fine, but if anything happens, I'm going to-" Phil started.

Dan sighed, "Phil, just stay calm today. What other people think doesn't matter, they're just ignorant kids."

Phil went to argue, but knew it was no point. He nodded, getting up from the couch, "Then we might want to get ready," He whispered, leaning down to kiss Dan once more before going to his room.

Dan left the couch shortly after Phil did, slipping on a different shirt and jeans, running a hand through his hair, fixing his cross, and declaring himself presentable enough. He sat on Phil's bed, stuff in his lap, as he waited for the other boy to get ready.

"Dan," Phil called twenty minutes later, coming into his room, dressed with his hair combed, "There you are," He said, sitting next to the other, "You ready?" He asked, sticking out one hand.

"Yep," Dan responded, popping the p, taking Phil's hand, "Let's get this over with," He laughed, grabbing his stuff with his free hand.

Phil grabbed his stuff on the way out, stopping only to kiss Dan after that. They made their way to Phil's car, and soon enough they were in the school parking lot.

Dan was the first to exit the car, Phil hesitating before eventually getting out. The boys walked hand in hand into the school, ignoring the looks and whispers around them.

"The Lord is my strength and my shield," Dan whispered to himself, "Psalms 28:7."

Phil rubbed his hand, walking him over to where his locker was, glaring at the people around them.

Dan rolled his eyes at Phil, opening his locker. He put the books he didn't need away, and grabbed his Chemistry textbook. While he did all of this, Phil stood guard, trying to be as intimidating as possible.

Once Dan had all the needed supplies, Phil walked him to Chemistry class, "You don't have to do this," Dan whispered, reaching up to kiss Phil's nose, "I'm fine on my own, really."

"Don't have to, but I want to," Phil argued, kissing Dan's forehead, "Now be good, don't get in any fights, I'll see you as soon as I can." Phil left, and Dan entered the classroom.

Apparently 'as soon as he could,' meant after school. Dan didn't mind, he knew him and Phil had very different schedules, but he did kind of miss Phil. Phil was by his side the second he got to his locker.

"How was your day?" Phil asked, leaning against the locker next to Dan's.

Dan shrugged, "It was okay. Some looks, and whispering, but it was overall fine."

"Promise?" Phil asked as they started down the hallway.

Dan sighed, laughing a little, "I promise, Philly."

"Don't call me that, Danny," Phil responded, laughing at his own joke.

Dan went to respond, but was cut off by another voice.

"Dan," Somebody called, and Dan automatically knew the voice of his younger brother, "Hey, I have to go, but special sermon tonight at six, be there," He instructed, before disappearing out of the doors.

"Okay," Dan called to his brother, but he was already out of the door.

Phil raised an eyebrow, "What was that about?" He questioned.

"I don't know, but apparently I need to be at the church by six," Dan laughed, walking through the doors with the other.

"I don't have to go, yeah?" Phil asked, hope filling his voice.

Dan sighed, but nodded, "You don't have to go," He assured the other.

Phil breathed in happily, relieved that he didn't have to sit through his personal hell, which was church.

The rest of the walk to Phil's car was pretty silent, except for the sound of their feet hitting the pavement. The car ride back to Phil's house was full of Muse, and Dan's constant, nervous tapping.

"You'll be fine," Phil would tell him every few seconds, rubbing his hand, "Nobody can do anything to you there."

Of course that was untrue. His parents were going to be there, everybody who had mattered to him as a child were going to be there, it could end in beauty or in flames. He was betting on the latter.

Dan did his homework, cuddled with Phil, and got ready for church without throwing up. Once he had kissed Phil goodbye is whenever he started to feel nervous. He sat in the driver seat of his car, just staring at the cross that hung. He took a deep breath, starting the engine of the vehicle. He closed his eyes momentarily, then he was off. Off to the one place he knew next to nobody accepted him.

Dan pulled into the church parking lot ten minutes before six. He tapped his fingers on his steering wheel, said a quick prayer, and then he finally gathered the courage to get out of the car. He walked up the steps to the church, earning quite a few glares. He walked with his head held high, pretending that the looks and whispers didn't bother him. He entered the church, standing near the back. Everybody else greeted each other, but they all steered clear of him. That was until one of the little boys ran up to him.

"Dan," Three-year old Myles yelled running up to the older boy, "I've missed you!"

Dan smiled for the first time since coming into the church, picking up the child, "Hey, buddy, I've missed you too."

The child hugged his neck, and Dan laughed, "How have you been?" He asked, "You've gotten so big," He had seen the boy on Sunday, it was only Tuesday, but he still liked to talk to the child like that.

The two made conversation until the little boy's mother came up to them, ripping Myles from Dan's arm.

"We don't socialize with people like..that," She told the now screaming and crying child as she carried him away from Dan.

Dan smiled at the boy as he was carried away, willing himself not to cry. More kids came up to him, and each one was ripped away from him. He was tempted to just leave, but he wasn't going to let them win that easily. He was determined to tough it out. He was determined to show that he wasn't Satan, or whatever they thought he was, and that he was still a child of God.

Just as the sermon was suppose to start, his brother entered, bumping his arm 'accidentally'. After him, his mother entered, pretending to not see him. Finally, his father entered from his office at the front, spotting him immediately in the back. His father rolled his eyes, shaking his head at him. Dan sat in the last pew, wrapping his arms around himself.

The session started off as usual. "God is good" "All the time" "All the time" "God is good.", greet each other (Everybody, once again, ignored Dan), song, prayer, and finally the sermon. Dan's father rambled on for a bit about what people should do to convince non-believers. Dan listened, automatically thinking about Phil, he knew he wasn't going to change his mind, but sometimes he still thought about it. He went on about how sometimes children go through 'phases' (He 'coincidentally' stared at Dan the entire time), and then he made this particular comment, "Lord, I know the modern world must make you sick. Man can lie with man, woman can lie with woman-"

Dan cut his father off, standing up, "Excuse me?" He almost laughed, "What's the big rule you taught me since I was born? That God loves all of children, that we all sin, but God doesn't care. What happened to that?" He could hear the whispers, and the faint sound of his brother muffling his laughter, "Why should that change just because of who I love? Just because you're so small minded that you think it's wrong because it's 'not normal'. I love Phil, and if you can't accept that, maybe you're the one that God needs to help."

****** This is a very dramatic version of Christians and everybody. I'm not trying to make this an actual representation of anything, I'm just really good at being dramatic. This isn't saying anything against religion, or anybody. It's just a story that I hope y'all are enjoying.***


	9. Chapter 9

Hey, y'all. Sorry these stories haven't been updated in literally forever, but i got dumped again recently and it sucks and my sadness would reflect in my writing and we don't want that. But i haven't given up on these stories yet, i promise.


	10. Chapter 10

The entire congregation gasped. Nobody had ever heard Daniel Howell, THE Daniel Howell speak to anybody like that; especially his father. But there Dan stood, shaking, but it looked like he stood by his previous words.

"Daniel," His father scolded, "You're not welcome here."

Dan rolled his eyes, "Actually, Dad, this is a public building. Anyone's allowed here."

"If you don't leave right this instant-"

Dan actually laughed, crossing his arms, "What are you going to do, kick me out of here too? Just like you did our house?"

An uncomfortable silence fell over the church before the last voice that Dan expected to hear spoke up.

"You can't even argue. He's right. You've done the worst thing imaginable," Phil said, coming into the sanctuary from where he had been standing, "There's nothing else left to do to him now."

Dan's surprise took over him, and he reached his hand out for Phil to take. The older boy did so as he came to stand next to his boyfriend.

"You can't kick me out of here, so I guess you'll just have to get used to me being here. Every Sunday. Every Wednesday. Anytime and every time I can," Dan said, sitting back down in a pew, "And maybe one day whenever you see me the guilt of kicking your own son out for loving who he loves will kick in and you'll regret it. Until then."

Phil sat next to Dan, but only to prove his point, "What is it you people around here say? Treat others how you want to be treated?"

Dan laughed again, putting his head on Phil's shoulder, "Do not judge or you too will be judged," He said back, reciting the verse, "You were close enough."

The tension in the room soon became clear.

Knowing better than to continue his original sermon, Dan's father proceeded to preach about non-beliveres, an obvious jab at Phil. He stared at his son and the boy next to him the entire time, making it known that Phil would never be welcomed into the family, even if Dan ever was.

After the dreadful sermon was over, Phil dragged Dan out of the church before he got a chance to say anything to anyone.

"You're not going back there," Phil said as he led Dan to his car, "Ever again. You're not going back there ever again."

Dan stopped, forcing Phil to stop with him, "I'm sorry? I don't remember putting you in charge of my life."

"I just want what's best for you, Dan, what's best for us, and I'm sorry but I don't think that you going to church anymore is a good idea."

"Well, I'm sorry to tell you, but I'm old enough to make my own decisions. I love you, but this has been my life since I was born. I'm not going to change it now."

Phil pulled Dan the rest of the way to his car, sitting in it before pulling Dan close, "Baby, this isn't good for you. Or anyone in that church. Those people don't deserve to know you anymore-"

"But, Phi-"

Phil cut Dan off, grabbing his chin and looking into his eyes, "You know I love you, but your life isn't the same anymore. We can't keep acting like it is."

Dan looked down, nodding as tears started to pool in his eyes, "I know," He whispered.

Phil kissed his forehead, "Let's go home now," He whispered, starting his car.

Dan nodded. He'd get his car later. He stared out the window the entire way to Phil's house.

Once there, Phil opened the door for Dan, leading him into the house only to be met with a surprise: The Howell's were sitting in the Lester's living room, both sets of the boys' parents sitting across from each other.

Dan swore he was going to pass out.

"Get the hell out of my house," Phil said, letting go of Dan, "I'm sorry, did I stutter? Get the hell out of m-"

"Phil!" His mother scolded, getting up to go to the boy, "Don't talk to-"

Phil ignored his mother, finding a way to get around her, "Mum, I don't care," He finally said, "I just don't."

Dan stood in the doorway, trying to go as unnoticed as he could in the middle of Phil's rampage.

"No, Mum," Phil finally yelled, still in the middle of arguing with his mother, "These people don't deserve your time. People who talk big shit about loving all and not judging and everyone's accepted, and then kick their son out. They don't deserve to be here. They don't deserve to be treated like people."

Dan stepped in, taking Phil's hand, trying to lead him away, "Phil, Phil, stop. It's alright, you're just wasting your time."

"Dan, I'm going to do what I want. Stop trying."

Dan let go of his hand, going up the stairs to Phil's bedroom, laying on his bed. He brought his knees to his chest, grabbing onto the cross around his neck, tears falling down his face like rain, "Why, Lord?" He whispered, "Why me? What have I done? All my life I've done nothing but follow you and this is what I get?" He didn't even finish his thoughts before he ripped the cross from his neck, throwing onto the ground, sobs overtaking his body. Sometime after that he must have fallen asleep, but was awoken to Phil slamming his door.

Phil practically screamed as he punched a hole into the wall before realizing that Dan was sitting there on his bed, "I'm so sorry," He said, laying next to the other boy, pulling him to his chest, worrying more about the boy in his arms instead of his bruising hand, "I love you so much, babe, I don't know what'd I do without you. I don't know what got into me, I just-" His eyes drifted to the floor where something silver caught his eye. He pulled away, examining Dan's chest, "Baby, what's wrong?"

Dan broke into heavy sobs again, "I don't know," He managed, "I don't fucking know anymore."

Phil's heart drop and he knew something was wrong: This wasn't his Dan. This wasn't his Dan at all.


	11. Chapter 11

Phil didn't know who Dan was anymore. He wasn't the same sweet boy who had made his heart melt. He had turned cold. Cold and hard. He barely talked these days, and when he did it was short and bitter. Dark circles seemed to permanently reside underneath his eyes, his once neat hair now was tussled anyway it wanted to go. His skin was paler than it usually was, and his clothes now hung off of him baggy everywhere. He went through the daily routine of school, half-assing even school now. Everyday after school, the car ride back to Phil's house was all but silent. He would enter the house, go up the stairs to Phil's room, throw his stuff on the ground, throw on one of Phil's old sweatshirt that he never wears, and then he would lay on the bed and stare at the ceiling or nap for almost the entire night.

It almost annoyed Phil- almost. He knew the boy was having a bad year, an extremely bad year, but he wanted his boy back. The bright and bubbly, always getting on Phil for being too gloomy boy. He tried to be supportive, he held his hand on the way to school and on the way back, not forcing him to talk. In the hallways he would walk with him, usually silently, almost as if he was trying to protect Dan from the outside world. At home, Phil would lay with Dan, either stroking his hair or with his arms wrapped tightly around the other boy.

Dan would refuse to face him if they were cuddled up on the couch or on a bed, but Phil could feel him shake. He knew that below him the boy was trying to keep from crying. Phil never said anything, just held him tightly until Dan would fall asleep or calm down a little. All Phil wanted to do was help, but nothing he did seemed to help. The only words Phil could usually get out of Dan was 'I love you'.

"Honey," Phil said one Saturday whenever it was past three and they still hadn't gotten up. They were the only two home, and Phil had his arms wrapped around Dan, their fingers intertwined, "We've got to talk about this."

"Talk about what?" Dan asked, his voice small as he tried to make himself disappear into Phil's arms.

Phil sighed, kissing the top of Dan's curls, "This," He said softly, "We can't keep going on like this. You're not okay, and I want to help but I can't help if you're not willing to talk to me."

Dan shut his eyes tightly, sealing his lips into a tight line. In his mind, if he didn't respond then Phil would drop it. That wasn't the case.

"Honey," He tried again, "Please talk to me," His voice was borderline hysterical, "You need help and maybe I can help if you would just talk to me."

"Since when do you call me honey?" Dan asked, trying to change the subject/

"Since now," Phil responded, "Now please talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Bullshit," Phil all but yelled as he flipped Dan around so that he could look at his face, "Stop that, stop acting like everything is okay. You know it's not, I know it's not, everybody knows that you're not okay. Now if you don't trust me, then this can't work. And I love you too damn much to let this go."

Dan kept his eyes shut now to keep the tears at bay, his lip shaking too much to speak, "I love you too," He managed to say in broken shaky sobs.

Phil sighed, kissing Dan through the tears, trying to think of what to say next, "Talk to me," He whispered again softly against Dan's lips.

"I just want my life back," Dan said between sobs, his head falling into Phil's shoulder, "I want to go home, I just want my family to accept me, to accept you. I just want everything to be normal again."

Phil kept his mouth shut for several moments before finally deciding he didn't know what to say, "I know, sweetheart," He whispered, "But right now, that can't happen. Right now you have me, and I'm never going to leave you, ever. Okay? I know that thats not what you want to hear, I know that it's hard, but it's true. It's me and you now, and for right now that has to be enough. I wish it didn't, but it does."

Dan didn't offer a reply, just sobbed and sobbed into his boyfriend's neck, clinging onto him like he was the only thing that mattered in the world- and it was because he was.

Phil didn't say anything, just held Dan, running his fingers through his hair as he let the boy cry. They laid like this for what felt like several hours until Phil finally forced Dan up to get some food. They laid on the couch, one of Phil's arms draped lazily around Dan, as they waited for the pizza they had ordered to arrive.

Some show played on the TV, but Phil couldn't concentrate on anything except his own thoughts. By the time he got up to pay the delivery man, he had a plan. A damn good one too.

After they ate, Dan drifted asleep. Phil draped a blanket over him, lightly kissed his forehead, and wrote a note.

 _'The love of my actual life'_ it read _'I'm out running errands, I'll hopefully be back soon. I love you with all of my heart'_

He put the note on the coffee table by the couch before grabbing his keys and leaving. It was almost seven on a Saturday night, so Phil was hoping what he was looking for was right where he thought it would be. He steered his car to the one place he hated going most- the church. He had confronted Dan's dad once, but he wouldn't mind doing it a second time.

Phil pulled into the parking lot, putting his car in park. He didn't know what he was going to do, didn't know what he was going to say, but he was ready to tell 'Pastor' Howell exactly what he felt.

He opened the door roughly, ignoring all the stairs he got from people there. He basically just stormed around until he found what he was looking for- the pastors office.

Without knocking, Phil shoved the door open, thankful to find Dan's father alone. He tried to make himself look tough as he slammed his hand down on the desk before him.

Dan's father barely looked up from whatever he was doing to say, "You know you're not welcome here."

"I don't give a fuck where I am welcome and where I'm not," Phil finally let all of the anger that had manifested inside him out, "This time I'm going to talk, and you're going to sit there and fucking listen."


End file.
